Bittersweet
by Not-Knowing-Is-Everything
Summary: Reid thought he was just getting a ride home from his boss, he didn't expect closure to come with it. Hotch gives Reid a little bittersweet heart to heart. Includes mentions of Maeve and Haley. Sort of fluffly and sweet. OneShot.


**_Hello Readers,  
This is just a quick OneShot about Reid and Hotch having a sort of 'chat'. I just thought this was needed among the pair. ;) Spoilers for Zugzwand and 100… obviously… :D  
I really hope that the criminal minds writers actually place something along the lines of this in next season, just to ease Reid's pain._**

**_Thanks for reading, and please review. _**

It was another tiring week at the BAU headquarters, the team had just got back from a rather nasty, case and every single one of them was utterly exhausted. Dark circles surrounded their haggard, drooping eyes; feet were dragging along the floor with an extreme effort not to fall asleep by the rhythm of footsteps, everyone was holding a now cold cup of the bitter caffeine fluid hoping it was going to give them the boost they each needed to get home safely. After Rossi and Hotch departed to their private offices, Morgan, Reid, Blake and JJ were left lingering; sorting through the leaning towers of paperwork that they would have to write up the next morning; wait scratch that, in about six hours they were all needed back at the office for a full day.

It was Blake who was the first to leave, opting for a warm bed with her newly shipped home husband over the mounds of paper that littered her desk. After a quick good bye, she was through the glass doors and gone; quickly followed by a blonde, JJ, who was eager to get home to see her own husband and son. Rossi's want for scotch won out as he spoke a goodbye to the remaining team of his and left without another look over his shoulder. As the numbers of people in the office at two in the morning dwindled, so did the amount of energy left; despite the fact that every bodies engine was running on reserve fuel either way.

Garcia wandered down some time ago and, giving Morgan a squeeze and Reid a hasty hair tousle, was gone earlier than usual, normally she would rather wait for her chocolate god to walk her to her car, but tonight she just wanted out of the blood and the gore, and into the world of bright fuzzy rugs and baby pandas that was her home.

Morgan sighed frustrated at his work, and after throwing a quick but meaningful 'Night Pretty Boy, don't be up too late. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm always around.' he was out the same glass doors of the BAU, leaving the small Genius in the comfort of an empty and utterly silent bullpen. Although Reid could get his work don't much faster in the environment, he found his coffee supply had run out, his eyes were hazardously drooping, and his fingers were numb from exertion; it was definitely time to head off home.

After packing his messenger bag with some files, he tiredly strode out of the glass doors; not having the energy to look back if he had forgotten anything, right now he needed to rest and forget everything that today had brought him; now and three months ago. The elevator, despite the weatherly ice tinge, was comforting and making the young agent drowsy with the classical, stereotypical music that played above. Taking a deep breath and blinking his eyes quickly to get the annoying moisture of grief out of his line of vision, he walked out of the elevator, he strode towards the doors to the car park, mentally hoping he could get home quickly; his bed was definitely a sirens song at the moment. The cold gust of early winter air was a little bit refreshing, but the sight of his car was not. Spencer Reid's olden blue Volvo Amazon was nowhere to be seen, and definitely not where he parked the vehicle. His exhaustion didn't allow him any panic, he couldn't even hold a meaningful expression if he tried; instead he pulled his jacket around him further, tucked his chin into his chest and started his trek towards town to look for a taxi, while reminding himself to call his insurance in the morning. Around a minute in, he found his name being called from behind him.

All too fast, Reid whipped his head around, lost his balance and landed flat on the pavement, his butt taking most of the pressure from the embarrassing fall.

'Reid?' the voice spoke again, manly and firm. A hand reached out to help the Genius up and it belonged to none other than his own boss. How much more awkward could this get?

'Hotch.' Reid's voice was a little bit weak with embarrassment dripping from every letter. Accepting the gloved hand, Reid became vertical once more.

'Are you okay?' Hotch asked, although Reid knew that what his boss was asking him was not about the fall he had completed moments earlier.

'Yeah, I'm fine. It's a bit icy I guess.' Reid shrugged and forced a smile through the cold wind.

'Where's your car?' Hotch replied, not satisfied with Reid's response.

'Oh, uh it's just around the corner…' Reid spoke too quickly, showing the trained profiler his hand. He might as well have just written LIAR in big red letters across his fore-head.

'Come on, I will give you a ride. You don't live to far from here.' It wasn't a question, and Reid didn't answer, he just followed obediently knowing there was no way to get out of this.

Walking back to Hotch's car, Reid hopped in the passenger's side and quickly closed the door, hoping not to let the already minimal heat out. Hotch situated himself in the driver's seat and pulled out of the driveway.

Each person inside the warming car was awaiting the other to speak; a stalemate was formed, neither person wanting, or having the energy, to spark a conversation. That is until the engine stopped in front of Reid's apartment building fifteen minutes later.

'Are you going to answer my question?'

'What question?' Reid was playing dumb. He knew the exact query he was meant to answer, but it was a defence mechanism he always did when the topic of his personal life came up.

Hotch just stared ahead, giving Reid the option to help Hotch help him or to go it alone. His question was answered when the sound of the door opening didn't sound.

'I… I'm fine I guess. I haven't really thought about it…' Reid lied through his teeth. Reid had indeed thought about it, he hadn't stopped thinking about it since it happened. The younger fiddled with his hem of his jumper, awaiting the disapproving glance he would get for lying, but when he looked up, he didn't see the glance, he saw a glazed over look in the now somehow vulnerable looking boss.

'I never stopped thinking about her. Not to this day, I don't think I ever will, Reid. She was the love of my life. I-I keep imagining what I could have done to- to prevent the fate that she faced that day… What I could have done different… Been home for family dinners, been there every night she needed me. I didn't even go to her father's funeral, we had a case. I remember that was one of the last chips to fall. She was crying herself to sleep those nights, and I wasn't there to comfort her… I wasn't there to look after her, to tell her it was going to be okay. I wasn't there to be her husband, and I regret every moment of those times. I have never stopped thinking about her...' Hotch's voice became a little clogged with emotion from sharing such a personal thing. Reid still sat, as unmoving as a statue, staring at the hem of his jersey fighting the tears that poked at his eyes.

'I guess why I'm telling you this, Reid, is because I don't want you to be like me. I don't want you to become addicted to your job, or to regret the times you spent with her, all of the great memories. Don't focus on the bad, focus on the good. Don't be sad that she's gone, be glad that you had the chance to be with her, because God knows that when your time is up, it's up, and the worst feeling in the world is regretting your whole life because of… things beyond your control. I miss Haley every day, Reid. I love her with all of my heart. She's not gone, though; she's still alive, in my memories. Let Maeve live on in yours.' Hotch turned his teary eyes towards his younger colleague and saw the light track marks that reflected on his sullen cheeks. After a deep breath, Reid spoke.

'I-I don't… I know it was not my fault, but I feel so responsible, Hotch. It's like… like M-Maeve… Like she was taken from me yesterday and I… I relive it over and over again, seeing what I could have done… what I should have known. It's almost too much. I Love her, so much. A-and it's like I never got a chance to tell her how much she meant to me...' The voice of his colleague sounded lost and almost painful to hear. It wobbled uncontrollably; full of such raw emotion that Reid had never fully shown before. His tear tracks were among the many by time he had stopped talking.

Hotch didn't know what to say; he knew exactly how Reid felt. He wanted to offer advice, but he knew Reid needed to do this on his own; it was his journey after all.

'Reid, Maeve does know that. She knew how much you loved her. She sacrificed herself because she couldn't live without you.' Hotch sympathized, he really did know what he was talking about. Haley sacrificed herself to save her son.

'B-but I can't live without her.' Reid mumbled roughly through the lump that had formed in his throat; his eyes finally wandered up to his boss' face with a piercing gaze.

'…It does get better, Reid.' Hotch offered, trying to talk softly but firmly to keep his credibility through the harsh lie.

'2191.' Reid mumbled under his breath once more.

'What?' Hotch struggled to hear.

'2191. Two thousand, one hundred and ninety one hours since…' Reid faded out, caught in memories of Maeve.

'I know, Reid. I know. Three months.' Hotch gently reached out and placed a comforting hand on his colleagues shoulder. He released when he received a vacant half smile from the younger man, a watery half smile was good enough for Hotch. Reid knew he would remember.

'After how many hours does it _begin _to feel better?' Reid quietly asked, finally acknowledging what Hotch had previously said.

'…I'm afraid I still don't know.' Hotch spoke bitterly and quietly nodded towards the man in the seat next to him in affirmation that he could leave.

Opening the door, Reid unclipped his seat belt and stepped out of the vehicle. Before closing the door, Reid spoke once more.

'Thanks Hotch… For everything.' The watery smile was back. Hotch nodded and quietly blinked away the water in his eyes. Reid closed the door slowly and turned towards the entrance to his building, tears still in his pained eyes.

A light beep of a horn made Reid turn around to see Hotch wind the window down, so Reid could see he was holding up the kid's messenger bag. Quickly walking over to retrieve his property, Reid smiled again and watched as the car that held his boss drove away from him.

Turning once more, Reid slowly walked through the entrance to his apartment building and took the stairs up to the third level where his apartment was situated. Opening the door, Reid walked inside and shut and licked it in the same manor. The young agent was greeted by the dark green, book covered walls of his apartment. After a quick check of the time, and a knowing thought that he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, Reid sat on the couch and reached into his messenger bag to grab the files he had stowed away earlier. They were missing. In the place where he had placed the files lay a roughly scrawled note, Reid recognized the handwriting.

_Don't become like me. Get some rest, Reid._

Hotch's note made Reid smile. He was glad to have the people that cared about him. And no matter how much Reid tried to deny it, Hotch knew exactly how Reid was feeling; he had been in the exact same position with Haley as Reid had with Maeve.

_Maeve._ The name itself brought bitter-sweet sadness to Reid understandably. Three months ago today, 2191 hours ago his life had been shattered as the bullet that killed his love was fired. Three months ago, Reid was falling in love, and now Reid was swimming in grief. Three months ago, Reid felt human, now he was just a shell of who he was before.

He strode towards his bedroom and lay down, he didn't bother to change his clothes, his mind was too exhausted, not to mention his body. Finally, turning to his side, he reached into the already open drawer of his bedside table and fished out a book. The book. Their book.

Opening to the water damaged first page, he read over the neat scrawl of Maeve; the page where the Thomas Merton quote was written. He had read over the words a thousand times, each time was the same as the last, until now. When he read the words, he remembered the good times, the way he envisioned her smile at his dry jokes, the shared experiences that he had replayed through the letters they had wrote many times. He smiled. Hugging the book into his chest, he felt the hole in his heart begin to heal, and he fell into a deep, memory filled sleep. He truly believed that he would never forget her; she would always be there; alive in his memories.

**_There you have it, a bittersweet ending I hope. Please give me a quick review on the way out. Critiques Welcomed :) Thanks for reading! Xx_**

**_Claire_**


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